Memories are Meant to be Carried in our Heart!

Ten years ago today we all experienced a great loss. Whether or not we personally knew those victims or heroes who lost their lives attempting to rescue them, we felt the loss of something great.

It is never easy losing someone we care for whether it is through death or a broken relationship. However, nothing is truly lost if it remains in your heart!

Losing a loved one is indeed something we never desire. But we must learn to carry on with our lives and always remember the love we shared. We must try to have patience and wait for better times to come.

If the loss is a broken relationship rather than death, we may again find good friends who are likely to understand us as much or better than perhaps our old friends have ever done.

While we may come across good friends again, we must always try not to forget the many good things they have done for us. Moreover, we should recollect the best moments spent with our lost friends. Recollection of such memories may help reduce our sadness, as we realize the many positve things we may have learned from our lost friendship!

So, whenever you may feel unhappy thinking about a lost friendship, try to cherish the good memories associated with that friend. We must never forget those we love. For although they may be gone from our lives, our love for them will remain forever.

It's Never Too Late

This month marks the 9 year anniversary of my mother’s death. She passed on May 4, 2002 shortly after her 50th wedding anniversary. May 26th is Yahrzeit. Yahrzeit (Yiddish for "a year's time") is the anniversary of the death of a loved one. Every year it is Jewish custom to light a special candle that burns for 24 hours, called a Yahrzeit candle. The candle is lit on the Yahrzeit date of that person's death. It is the date according to the Jewish calendar.
This has had me thinking of my Mother. How much I miss her and all the things I never said to her. I wonder if she knew how much I really loved her. This, in turn, has had me thinking of all the other people in my life who I have failed to tell how much they mean to me.

I know I am not alone in this. Almost everybody has a least one person in their life they are afraid to open up to. Why is that? I think a big part is not only being able to put our feelings into words, but also our fear of rejection. Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had? One
of the most difficult things is having words in your heart that you can't express. You have to be able to let go of your fears and let them know what is in your heart. This can not only be difficult but scary as well.

Holding things in isn't healthy for you and it isn't very fair to the other person either. We need to bite the bullet, tell ourselves that it is going to be okay and then open up and let it all out. You cannot always wait for the perfect time. That time may never come.
As we have all heard over and over again, honesty is the best policy. Don't try to talk around how you really feel. Be completely honest and let the other person know exactly how you feel. Honesty breeds honesty. If you want someone to be honest, you must be completely honest with them. Never apologize for what you feel. It’s like saying you are sorry for being real.

You never know when the people you care about are no longer going to be a part of your life. Nobody wants to look back with the regret that when they loved someone, they did not tell them. If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world. The two deepest regrets you will have in your life are risks not taken and words left unsaid. So don’t be afraid to close your eyes and jump right in. You may just find that the water is warm and welcoming.

NO ONE CAN STEAL YOUR HAPPINESS!!

Three new blog entries in a week? I guess I am on a roll. After this one, it will probably be months before I write another. But when I have something to say, I need to say it. And this needs to be said. Not only for myself but for anyone who may be feeling or has at one time felt the way I am now feeling. And this is it in a nutshell...

NO ONE can steal your happiness - unless you let them.

Accept responsibility for your own actions or thoughts. Life is never fair so don’t waste your time dwelling on the negatives. Keep your mind focused on healthy thoughts in spite of your circumstances. Remember that you always have options! NO ONE can steal your happiness - unless you let them.

Are you angry?? If so, analyze the source of your anger. Remember that YOU are in control of your own feelings, and this includes anger. Anger is an expression of frustration and helplessness. Let go of the helplessness!! Remember..You always have options! NO ONE can steal your happiness - unless you let them.

I know this sounds like a cliché, but look for the silver lining. There is a silver lining to every disappointment. Some are more difficult to find than others. Some may not be realized until much later and some you may NEVER come to discover. But it IS there. It just may be that the Lord has chosen not to reveal it to you until His time.

Consider forgiveness. Anger and happiness don't mix. Get rid of your anger and your happiness has a chance to flourish. Forgive for YOURSELF! For YOUR growth! Forgive as a gift to yourself. Forgive to allow the light of happiness to shine through. Forgiveness is an option you choose. You always have options! NO ONE can steal your happiness - unless you let them.

Accept the fact that life is not fair. There is no single way that life is "supposed" to be but expecting life to meet your expectations is only a recipe for unhappiness. Life happens to us regardless of our best intentions. To choose happiness you must be open to receiving whatever life throws at you. This openness is an option. You always have options!

NO ONE can steal your happiness - unless you let them.

Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda

For many of us, in so many aspects of our lives, there are times when what actually happened and what we wished would have happened are not always the same. Sometimes we realize several other choices we could have or should have made instead of the one we actually chose. We may feel regret over those choices or simply just wonder what would the end result had been if we chose a different path. This feeling of second-guessing or reflection after the fact is what I refer to as Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda.

I suppose you could consider it a form of wishful thinking. I believe these Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda thoughts are more common in people than they care to admit. So many times I have heard “if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.” Really?? In your entire life there is nothing you would have liked to have done differently? I simply don’t believe that.

Consider the small things. Sometimes it is the regret of not taking more action. The times we walk away from a relationship or merely just a conversation and think “I should have said this..I should have done that.” Some people do not want to consider their Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda moments because that would imply a disappointment or frustration on their end. However, sometimes a better course of action or a more informed decision is only discovered after the fact, leading to a Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda moment regardless.

Shoulda-Woulda-Couldas are a great way to reflect back on a situation or period of your life and think about what happened in order for you not to make the same mistake. Understanding your past can make way for potential future happiness if you are honest. Trying to understand what went wrong can only help you to try not to repeat the same mistakes down the line.

Looking back on the past can at times be painful. Remembering a past hurt can hold us back from taking chances in the future. We are afraid of making the same mistakes over again. However, the only way that you can experience joy and satisfaction in life is by putting yourself out there and taking chances. Remember the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." How many people experience a Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda moment with someone that they cared deeply for? Often people hold back their feelings because they do not want to be vulnerable, but the vulnerability is required to move the relationship to the next level. Often our fear of rejection holds us back from our most triumphant moments because we don’t take risks anymore. This applies not only to love but many everyday situations.

People that take few chances and play it safe do not get hurt as often, but they do not experience joy either. There will always be aspects of life that are full of wonder and joy, but you have to take the chance and seek it out. WouldYa??

IS Love REALLY All You Need???

A good friendship or any other deep, caring relationship is like a good marriage. If it is to last it needs to be treated as such. Yes, the number one ingredient is love but regardless of what the Beatles sing, love is NOT all you need. So what is it that not only gives such a friendship what it needs to sustain, but also what it needs to continue growing?

I am not denying that love is a major part of the foundation of any relationship. Of course it is, and it would be ridiculous to think otherwise. But there needs to be more. A good friendship takes work and time, some more than others. There must be a conscious decision on behalf of both parties that they are willing to do what it takes to sustain and maintain their friendship. This includes trust, and compromise, and loyalty, and dedication. Hard work? Time consuming perhaps? You betcha! But the payoffs are undeniable.

The thing is relationships are hard. They are work. And in order to maintain a relationship you have to be willing to put in the effort. I’ve found as I have gotten older that I have less patience and less of a desire to put forth such work. But everyone needs at least one good, real, honest caring relationship. Do I have this with my spouse? Yes. But whether one is married or single, such a friendship is still a necessary addition to every one’s life. Yet it is an addition that one must choose to have.

Every morning when you wake up, you choose to have this person as part of your world. You choose to stay where you are in your friendship, no matter what the current circumstances. And you do what it takes to support that choice.

You don’t choose trust, honesty, openness and compromise because it’s easy. You choose these things because they are all a part of love. And you choose such an intimate friendship because you love that person and want them as a part of your life.

Before I continue any further, let me clarify something. When I talk of love, I am not referring to romantic love. I love many people in my life, but I only have one romantic love and that is for my husband. I have told many people I love them but it is not in the sense that I love my husband. Some may say then that the word is thrown around too loosely. I do believe that in today world this is true. People love everything from a good burger to their favorite television show (Dexter!) But that is not the “love” I am referring to here. Now that, I hope, I have clarified that, let me move on.

So you truly have a deep emotional l (not necessarily romantic) love for that special friend/s in your life. This is a love that needs to be treasured. It needs to be sustained regardless of what is happening in the world around us and it needs to take priority in our lives. That is to say it should be more important than your budget woes, or the crappy thing that happened at work today, or that fight you had with the neighbor over whose responsibility it is the keep the shrubs between your homes clipped and tidy. You choose this love over the annoying habit your friend has or the stress that is felt in all relationships. Sometimes you even choose to love when you don’t like your friend very much right then. You choose it because you know you’ll like them again and you want them to be there when you will. You choose it because the crappy thing at work will eventually get resolved, the shrubs will get trimmed one way or another and your relational stress will work itself out. And when all of that is said and done, if your friend is suddenly not beside you, you won’t be happy anymore. So you choose love. A true, deep meaning friendship is something you actively choose to. Simply loving, will not sustain it, but choosing will.

So maybe this is all just sounds like a bunch of garbled-gook, maybe you think I’m crazy or just totally disagree with me. But there it is. It takes two people working actively and with love to make any kind of relationship work. Two people who are willing to trust, and compromise, willing to give loyalty, and dedication. Hard work? Time consuming? Indeed it is. Perhaps that is why so many people live their entire lives without ever experiencing the love of such a friendship. I think about how sad I’d be if I woke up one morning and my friend was no longer part of my life. And I know that I’m willing to work. And I know that our friendship is worth that effort.

A Genuine Friend is a Priceless Treasure

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately and all those who play such an important part in my life. I am blessed to have many genuine friends. People I know who truly love and care for me and will always be there for me no matter what time, or what situation.
There are many people who are surrounded by their "friends" yet they are actually friendLESS. In actuality they have many acquaintances, but never build any solid relationships. Many people cannot identify true friends. They think anyone nice who comes along and stays a long while with them in life is a friend. There are “friends” and there are “genuine friends”’
So, who exactly is a “genuine friend?” A genuine friend has no self-interest when he befriends you. He loves you for you. Genuine friendship is rare...to find it is like looking for hidden treasure. If you want genuine friends you have to be willing to do the loving first. It takes risks. It takes possible rejection and possible hurt, but it's the only way we can develop genuine friendship.
Do not be choosy about people you welcome into your life. Welcome all. But sift those people you'd consider your genuine friends, as not all of them will be. As you welcome people, genuinely love them. As you do so, notice how they react. Will they in turn love you freely? Or will they only see your usefulness to them?
Determine those who will genuinely love you for who you are and not for what you can do for them. Learn to distinguish those who really care from those who merely take advantage. Develop a good eye for genuine friendship, and invest your lives in them once you see one. True friends love you with their lives as well. Once they see your genuine friendship, they readily reciprocate. Place your investments on friendships with potential for genuineness. By doing so, you lesson your chance of getting hurt once a so called friendship degrades to betrayal or abandonment.
Everyone experiences this pain from one or more relationships in their lifetime. It is important that you allow peace and happiness to return to you. If it hurts so much that it affects you terribly and bitterly, it only means the friendship was not genuine.
When you have spotted genuine friendship, invest on it and make it grow. Then make it last. How do you make it grow? The same way you make life grow--by love. Genuine friendship grows through love--unselfish love and that love makes it last.
Thank you to all my genuine friends. You know who you are. If you don’t than you are probably not one but thanks for reading my blog anyway!

Letting Go of the Hurt

Everyone has been hurt by someone they love and trust at one (or many) points in their lives. We may feel we were treated poorly, perhaps trust was broken. We may feel a betrayal of respect or a disregard for our feelings. Certainly hearts may feel torn and abused. When someone you care about hurts you, it can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, even thoughts of revenge. All of this pain we experience is normal. It’s okay to feel angry, taken advantage of, even heartbroken. But sometimes we allow those feelings to fester or linger on. Like a broken tape we replay in our heads, we relive it over and over and have a difficult time letting go. These wounds can leave us with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance. It can be easy to allow ourselves to dwell on hurtful events or situations. We may form, grudges filled with resentment. Instead, we need to learn to let go and forgive. If we don't practice forgiveness, we may be the one who pays the consequences. If we allow such negative feelings to take over we can lose touch of our positive feelings, and end up with nothing but the stale taste of bitterness in our lives.

So, how does one cope? One word…forgiveness. Wow! What a powerful word and so very hard to embrace at times. Sometimes we feel as though we will never be able to forgive the person for the pain they have caused us. But it is through the process of forgiveness that we are able to move forward away from our pain. Notice I said “process.” Forgiveness is indeed a process that can take a very long time. For some it may be a month, a year, even a lifetime.

What exactly does forgiveness entail? It is the decision to let go of the hurt, resentment and maybe even feelings of revenge. By learning to forgive we are able to keep our focus on the present and positive areas of our life. Depending on the cause of our pain, we may someday even begin to understand and offer empathy and compassion to the one who hurt us. It doesn't necessarily mean we deny or minimize the wrongdoing. It is forgiving the person without excusing the act. Through this process we are able to learn to let go and eliminate the tendency to hold a grudge
Grudges can wreak havoc on our lives. It allows the potential for anger and bitterness to enter into other relationship and situations. We can become so self-absorbed with the wrongs of our pasts that we are unable to enjoy the joys of the present. This causes problems. It not only causes us to be unhappy, but can strain or ruin other relationships, distract us from work and family and make us reluctant to open up to new things and people. We are afraid to open up and potentially get hurt again. We get trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt, and miss out on the beauty of life as it happens.

It can be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit any wrongdoing. They may not even be aware of it. Yet, sometimes it is merely an authentic apology and expression of sorrow and regret that can provide the closure necessary for forgiveness to take place.

As I stated earlier, forgiveness is process. We have to let go of the perception we have of ourselves as the victim. We cannot allow another person the control and power of our feelings and the influence in our lives. We cannot allow them to define our life by the pain, hurt or betrayal they have caused us. We need to learn to let go. We need to be able to forgive, so we can move on and be happy.